Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
