I accidentally had phone sex last night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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