I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
