The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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