I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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