I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
