Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
