i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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