Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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