My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have already put on my inside pants.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
