In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
