There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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