My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
