8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
