I wish my penis had an off switch
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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