Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
