sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
