Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
