Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
