True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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