I hate all girls vehemently.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
