No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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