I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
