this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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