This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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