but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
