I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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