I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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