so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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