I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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