Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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