a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
