I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
