Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
