fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
