I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
