my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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