So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
