I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
