I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
