i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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