I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
