even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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