Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
