sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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