I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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