winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
