The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
