Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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