I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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