I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
