The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
